I read over one of my earlier posts and it was just... I don't know. It was so much more enthusiastic than the more recent ones are. And that was just last week! I don't know why I yoyo like this with my moods. I don't like it. I feel like whenever I even start to get remotely happy, smy brain dredges something up to make me miserable.

Do I just LIKE to be sad?

Maybe that's it.

I don't know.

I met with my psychologist on Monday. It was strange. I feel like I just dumped a lot of info at him, all that typical "head-shrinker" stuff. Yada yada yada my father, yada yada yada my mother, yada yada yada my dating life, etc. Thinking over what I said to him, it makes me seem like a classic example of a headcase. At least, it seems like I have plenty of reason to be insane.

But I don't know. Maybe everything seems like that in a therapist's office.

The guys are sitting in their writing meeting in the conference room right now. I asked David if I could come some time and he said okay, but I didn't really get around to asking John. When I stopped by to clean up the coffee David asked me if I was coming, and I said no, that I was just talking about some point in the future, maybe. Why do I do that? I so desperately don't want to go home tonight. I don't want to think all of the thoughts I know I'm going to think, and I don't want to get stoned and do nothing YET AGAIN just to avoid them. I really miss him sometimes. Maybe that's just the place I'm at right now, I don't know. So why didn't I stay? I have my book, I have my notebook. No computer and no dinner, but it's not like I'd even have to stay the whole night. I could have worked something out. So why didn't I join them, and why do I feel jealous that they're in there right now? Maybe it's because I wasn't actually invited, I just kind of invited myself. And that's not the same.

I don't really feel like I have any friends anymore. I have lots of people that I know, sure, but aside from Josef and my mom (my mom, I mean, come on!) I don't really hang out with anyone at all. I'm lonely. I'm really, really lonely, but I just don't seem to know how to make friends, or how to turn people that I know into people that I actually do things with. I mean, I have trivia, but it's just not the same.

I hate being this down. I really hope that going to the shrink will help me with that. I'm tired of being so sad all the time. And goddamn it, I'm tired of fucking second guessing myself all the time.

Mostly I just want to be able to talk with someone about the things I just can't share with Josef, or my friends. I guess one of the big things I want to talk about is Syd.

I've been wanting to contact him lately, but I just don't think it's a good idea. It's not like he's made any attempt to get in touch with me. It's not like he cares about me at all anymore, if he even did in the first place.

Oh god damn it, what's my god damn problem.

And every fucking time I see another email in my inbox I hope it's him.

This bullshit only resurfaced last week, when I was feeling really happy and thinking a lot about who I am. It's just that... well... aside from all the drama and manipulation, Syd was EXACTLY what I wanted in a man. I always knew that, but I never really realized the degree to which he was what I wanted. I wanted to marry that bastard. And no, the email wasn't from him, it was an automated update from my Mint.com account. Fuckers. The thing is, I think I could get past this whole Syd thing if I thought I could ever feel that way again, if I thought I could ever find someone else like him (without the major problems he had) but I don't think it's possible. And I don't mean to belittle the relationship I'm in. I love Josef. I love him so much. I don't understand quite how that's possible. I just worry. I don't know how long our relationship will be able to last when I'm still not over my ex, and I worry about the future for us because of the areas in which we differ. For example, I like to talk. This is not so much Josef's thing. But he's just such a good man, and such a good friend, and aside from stuff like the talking and the creativity thing, we just get along so well.

So I don't know.

Fuck this.

Fuck it all.

Mood Swings

The past couple of days I have just been swinging back and forth between being happy and excited and being depressed as all hell. I start out being happy and motivated in the morning, and then by the afternoon I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Yesterday I nearly worked myself into a panic attack because I have no idea what I'm going to do once this job is done and I haven't really done any networking, but mostly I got freaked out because I don't think I'm productive enough. I feel overwhelmed all the time, even when there's no need to. I'm not very good at being an adult, it seems. Of course, I worried about this so much all day that by the time I got home, I was too exhausted to do much before I had to leave to go to trivia. Today... well, today was the same thing it almost always is. Wondering over and over and over again if I did the right thing or if I made the biggest mistake of my life. Not fun, let me tell you.

I read this suggestion to write out 5 things you're grateful for at the end of the day. It was on the Simple Dollar blog, which has a lot more in it than just financial advice. At any rate, I think it's something I want to try. Maybe it will help me have a more positive outlook on life. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it here or somewhere else. More and more I'm not likely that this blog could be potentially read by someone, even though I think it's a long shot. I'm wondering if there's anyway to make this private, although I don't suppose that there is. I just like having my information stored virtually, but I'm just feeling that this is something I don't want people reading. At least, not yet.

The Artist's Way

I've started doing "The Artist's Way". I did my first morning pages today, although I didn't exactly do them right when I woke up. I was staying over at Josef's, so I had to pack up my things and get from his place to mine before I could work on them. But I did it! Doing it all by hand actually really hurt, but I guess that's just the way it goes.

I've been trying to figure out which of the exercises to do. You're supposed to try to do one every day (which doesn't wind up being all of them, but that's okay), specifically the ones that you're either excited about or resistant to.

The only two I'm really liking for this week are "Imaginary Lives: If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them?.. Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not over think this exercise. The point of these lives is to have fun in them--more fun than you might be having in this one. Look over your list and select one. Then do it this week." and "Take your artist for a walk, the two of you. A brisk, 20 minute walk can dramatically alter consciousness."

I don't know if it's that I'm resistant to the rest, or that I just don't know if I can DO the rest of them. All of the other questions have to do with your past, most specifically your childhood. Well, I have a really hard time remembering much of my past. As Josef put it (and I am paraphrasing here) "It's as though your memories are not your own; as though you are remembering something that happened to someone else, so it's had to recall." That's how I usually feel about my past. I don't know why. I suppose it's because I spend so much time thinking of the possible future, that I don't really dwell much on the past. And I suppose because I don't think of it much, so it's not remembered as well as it could be.

So I think I will start with those two and then see where I go. I wonder if I can do them on the computer, or if I have to write them by hand too. I really hope that's not the case.

Anyway, off to chick flicks and then "Imaginary Lives".

Woot.

Idea

I was reading an article (http://www.wisebread.com/can-you-afford-to-follow-your-dreams-can-you-afford-not-to This article, actually), and in it was a story about Walt Disney on his death bed looking up at a board of the dreams he was still working on.

I think I want to do that, and I thought I should make a note of it.

I'm going to try to make a board, and just cover it in my dreams--places I want to go, things I want to do, etc.

Should be fun.

Signing off.

Wrong

Why do people always like to tell me I'm wrong?

It really bugs me because I always listen to them.

Well, I'm going to try to stop doing that. If I feel like I want a certain specific thing, I think I'm going to say it! I feel that so often I don't have a fucking clue what I want or what I'd like that when I do, I need to acknowledge that and stand up for myself.

So there.

Screw You!

So I'm finding all this blogging to be strangely addictive. Although I do get like that every once and a while.

This feels different though.

I'm not writing for anyone, about anything in particular.

I'm just free writing. I'm not trying to be impressive. Well, mostly not trying. I'm still trying a little. In case someone reads this and I become an internet sensation and yada yada yada. It seems decidedly clear already how much I do that. I seem obsessed with fame, with what other people think about me.

Oh, and I wanted to write that I thought that maybe since this blog is so addictive, I should be a writer! People tell me that all the time (well, my family anyway) and I want attention and for people to listen to me and... TADA! Problem solved.

Only not really.

This is what I do.

I latch onto the first thing that looks interesting.

I think I've done that in my dating life a lot too.

What does that tell you about me?

Yikes.

And who is this you, by the way. My posts are becoming more and more like they are aimed at someone and they are not supposed to be, dammit!

I'M WRITING FOR MY GODDAMN SELF, THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUN!

I was going to write something but then Josef pinged me and I forgot.

Oh, right!

My eating's been getting bad again, and I realized that when I was working on writing this I didn't really feel the compulsion to eat, and I'm going to this seminar called "Turning Addiction into Creativity" and I'm really excited.

I hope I learn something.

Why is it easier for me to think when I'm either writing or talking? It seems like there's something wrong with that. I don't know. I just feel like I don't really want to be in my own head right now. Or maybe I just don't remember how. I spent so much of my life in my head, and now I don't seem to do it at all anymore. Is it because of Syd? Maybe it's because of Syd. I blame a lot on Syd that isn't really his fault, though.

It makes it easier not to miss him as much.

But yeah, the fact that I'm avoiding my own head can't be a good thing. I'm going to a psychologist on Monday, finally. Hopefully that will be a good thing. It's been a long time coming.

My room is such a damn mess. The whole apartment is such a damn mess. It's driving me fucking crazy. I'm never home though. That's driving me crazy too. And yet I agreed to go to my mom's tomorrow for yoga.

But I like yoga, and it's expensive, and I'll get dinner, and we can chat, and I'll borrow the Artist's Way book (which I keep seeing recommended) so it'll be a good thing. That seems selfish. But I'm trying to be selfish.

I like yoga.

I thought I'd emphasize that.

I'm nervous about seeing my mom, though.

From the last conversation we had it seems like she didn't really think I was "ready" for finding myself or something bull crappy like that. Usually she's the one trying to get me to stop being so afraid of taking risks.

Becuase I am.

I'm fucking terrified.

And now I'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me into being more cautious, when that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid doing!

I want to be rebellious!

I want to take risks!

I want to be spontaneous!

Now let me put all that in my todo list, lol.

Cause that's just the way I roll, mofos.


Oh, and I think I need to make it a goal to write every day. I'm not sure for how long. Maybe for now just to write, period.

I think that would be a good thing.

And I only watched one TV show tonight and I don't even feel that bad about not accomplishing much around the apartment, because you know what, I need to do this shit so screw you!

You know who I'd really like to be? I just thought of this while I was putting away dishes.

Spider Jerusalem.

He gets to run around, writing the truth, living his mission, being a general fucker and people pay him tons of money for it and they all love him (although he hates that).

That's who I'd love to be.

So maybe I'd just like to be Warren Ellis.

Warren Ellis, you mad brilliant crazy mother fucker, will you be my mentor?

The frightening thing is, given how fucking insanely wired Ellis is to the interwebs, he might actually stumble across this.

Now wouldn't THAT be a funny turn of events.

And there I go again, wanting attention, when all I want is to

BE

ALONE

Fuckers.