MEMENTO MORI

In my wanderings today through all those articles about knowing what you love and how to find yourself, I stumbled across this.

"Gnothi Seauton"

It means, "Know Thyself". It was written at the top of the Oracle. So was "Everything in Moderation", and while that's a good bit of wisdom, it's not really the point. I don't know why this jumped out at me. Obviously, I'm trying to find myself, so why would having it be written in Greek make more of an impact on me? Is it because I'm drawn to Greek, or Greece?

I've been drawn to Greek/ce for a long time, actually. I feel in love with the Mythology after my grandmother bought me "D'aulier's Book of Greek Myths". I wanted to worship Zeus for a while when I was exploring my spirituality. It's strange how my love of mythology started with the most famous of myths, and has endured throughout my agnosticism through my athesism and finally through my attempt to actually find spirituality, which seems to have halted since I broke up with Syd. But still, the myths remain.

This is the article I found the phrase at.

http://www.philosophistry.com/archives/2005/12/about_finding_yourself.html

I figured I should try to be providing links to the articles I find in case I want to look at them again, or on the off chance someone reads this blog. Although I actually really hope no one does. I like writing to no one. Don't ask me why I'm doing it in the form of a blog.

Or maybe do.

Although I feel like I'm always performing, I still cling to the idea or maybe hope that someday someone will read my words and find meaning in them. Or more than that like what they read and get to know me. I hate that I'm drawn to be an exhibitionist even when I want to be alone. It feels like some sort of character flaw. Really I just want to get noticed. I always want to get noticed. But for good things. I want to be that person who walks into a room and people just want to get to know them. I also want to be able to have some goddamn time to myself, which I never seem to, because I make it that way.

I have nightmares when I'm alone.

I just looked into the window and saw what I look like when I'm at a computer. I hunch. I look like a hunchback and honestly just sitting up straight makes me look 20 lbs lighter. John, my friend and co-worker has been on me for months to use good posture, and then of course so have my parents all my life, and oddly enough yesterday I just started to try. It's funny that I noticed how bad it looks now. Although it was noticing how bad it looks when I'm standing that got me to actually start trying for real so I guess it's not that surprising.

I need to lose at least 20 more pounds. I've lost 40, gained back about 5-10, and I'm just feeling fat.

I wonder if my skin will ever get tight again? I don't want to be one of those people who loses all their weight only to be plagued by nasty droopy skin.

Even though I kind of have nasty droopy skin now.

I hate my body.

I really, really hate it.

I look like a human plushy--overstuffed.

I can tell my face is beautiful, sometimes. At least, that's what people tell me a lot, and sometimes I see it too.

When I was younger and I thought I was the ugliest thing ever I wondered if maybe I was beautiful and just couldn't see it, and the reason boys wouldn't ask me out was because they were intimidated.

I still have that wonder now.

But then I see what I look like when I hunch and I know it isn't true. I'm sorry, that's a lie. I don't really know what I think about myself. I just know I'm not happy with me.

When I was writing this I was thinking "Maybe when I'm done with this blog I'll compile it and make a book and be famous and people will read it, blah blah blah". I find myself thinking stuff like that a lot, even though I know how stupid it is. Well, improbable, anyway. I know that this is just personal stuff for me, and that I'm not trying to write well or anything like that, but I still think that. I thought I should make a note of it. In case it tells me anything about myself. I seem to be really driven by wanting to be noticed. I wonder if that's why I'm having such a hard time finding "my dream" or whatever. Because at the end, nothing will ever be good enough because nothing will ever get me the recognition I want, and maybe even feel like I deserve. God, that makes me feel like a fucker.

But I've told Josef I'll go play City of Heroes (well, Villains tonight) and although I'm the one who suggested it I'm not sure I really want to. I kinda just want to keep writing and reading about "finding yourself" and all that crap. I wonder why I keep filling up all my time like this, seeking out people to keep me from being alone when all I want and need is to just fucking be alone with myself for a while.

Am I just sabotaging myself? What the hell is this about?

Reading the comments in the article. Saw a recommendation for this book Soul Cravings by Erwin Raphael McManus. I might read it. I've sort of been accumulating books to read. I seem to think that massive research will help me find myself, which seems to be the opposite of what all the research suggests, but whatever, that just seems to be how I function. Either that, or I'm just using research as a procrastination tool. Which is also how I function.

Fancy that.

I think I'm going to stop rambling now and do the dishes and play City like I said I wanted to.

Although if I was really going to be more selfish like I think I should be I'd just bag on him. But I won't. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.