I read over one of my earlier posts and it was just... I don't know. It was so much more enthusiastic than the more recent ones are. And that was just last week! I don't know why I yoyo like this with my moods. I don't like it. I feel like whenever I even start to get remotely happy, smy brain dredges something up to make me miserable.
Do I just LIKE to be sad?
Maybe that's it.
I don't know.
I met with my psychologist on Monday. It was strange. I feel like I just dumped a lot of info at him, all that typical "head-shrinker" stuff. Yada yada yada my father, yada yada yada my mother, yada yada yada my dating life, etc. Thinking over what I said to him, it makes me seem like a classic example of a headcase. At least, it seems like I have plenty of reason to be insane.
But I don't know. Maybe everything seems like that in a therapist's office.
The guys are sitting in their writing meeting in the conference room right now. I asked David if I could come some time and he said okay, but I didn't really get around to asking John. When I stopped by to clean up the coffee David asked me if I was coming, and I said no, that I was just talking about some point in the future, maybe. Why do I do that? I so desperately don't want to go home tonight. I don't want to think all of the thoughts I know I'm going to think, and I don't want to get stoned and do nothing YET AGAIN just to avoid them. I really miss him sometimes. Maybe that's just the place I'm at right now, I don't know. So why didn't I stay? I have my book, I have my notebook. No computer and no dinner, but it's not like I'd even have to stay the whole night. I could have worked something out. So why didn't I join them, and why do I feel jealous that they're in there right now? Maybe it's because I wasn't actually invited, I just kind of invited myself. And that's not the same.
I don't really feel like I have any friends anymore. I have lots of people that I know, sure, but aside from Josef and my mom (my mom, I mean, come on!) I don't really hang out with anyone at all. I'm lonely. I'm really, really lonely, but I just don't seem to know how to make friends, or how to turn people that I know into people that I actually do things with. I mean, I have trivia, but it's just not the same.
I hate being this down. I really hope that going to the shrink will help me with that. I'm tired of being so sad all the time. And goddamn it, I'm tired of fucking second guessing myself all the time.
Mostly I just want to be able to talk with someone about the things I just can't share with Josef, or my friends. I guess one of the big things I want to talk about is Syd.
I've been wanting to contact him lately, but I just don't think it's a good idea. It's not like he's made any attempt to get in touch with me. It's not like he cares about me at all anymore, if he even did in the first place.
Oh god damn it, what's my god damn problem.
And every fucking time I see another email in my inbox I hope it's him.
This bullshit only resurfaced last week, when I was feeling really happy and thinking a lot about who I am. It's just that... well... aside from all the drama and manipulation, Syd was EXACTLY what I wanted in a man. I always knew that, but I never really realized the degree to which he was what I wanted. I wanted to marry that bastard. And no, the email wasn't from him, it was an automated update from my Mint.com account. Fuckers. The thing is, I think I could get past this whole Syd thing if I thought I could ever feel that way again, if I thought I could ever find someone else like him (without the major problems he had) but I don't think it's possible. And I don't mean to belittle the relationship I'm in. I love Josef. I love him so much. I don't understand quite how that's possible. I just worry. I don't know how long our relationship will be able to last when I'm still not over my ex, and I worry about the future for us because of the areas in which we differ. For example, I like to talk. This is not so much Josef's thing. But he's just such a good man, and such a good friend, and aside from stuff like the talking and the creativity thing, we just get along so well.
So I don't know.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.
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