Screw You!

So I'm finding all this blogging to be strangely addictive. Although I do get like that every once and a while.

This feels different though.

I'm not writing for anyone, about anything in particular.

I'm just free writing. I'm not trying to be impressive. Well, mostly not trying. I'm still trying a little. In case someone reads this and I become an internet sensation and yada yada yada. It seems decidedly clear already how much I do that. I seem obsessed with fame, with what other people think about me.

Oh, and I wanted to write that I thought that maybe since this blog is so addictive, I should be a writer! People tell me that all the time (well, my family anyway) and I want attention and for people to listen to me and... TADA! Problem solved.

Only not really.

This is what I do.

I latch onto the first thing that looks interesting.

I think I've done that in my dating life a lot too.

What does that tell you about me?

Yikes.

And who is this you, by the way. My posts are becoming more and more like they are aimed at someone and they are not supposed to be, dammit!

I'M WRITING FOR MY GODDAMN SELF, THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUN!

I was going to write something but then Josef pinged me and I forgot.

Oh, right!

My eating's been getting bad again, and I realized that when I was working on writing this I didn't really feel the compulsion to eat, and I'm going to this seminar called "Turning Addiction into Creativity" and I'm really excited.

I hope I learn something.

Why is it easier for me to think when I'm either writing or talking? It seems like there's something wrong with that. I don't know. I just feel like I don't really want to be in my own head right now. Or maybe I just don't remember how. I spent so much of my life in my head, and now I don't seem to do it at all anymore. Is it because of Syd? Maybe it's because of Syd. I blame a lot on Syd that isn't really his fault, though.

It makes it easier not to miss him as much.

But yeah, the fact that I'm avoiding my own head can't be a good thing. I'm going to a psychologist on Monday, finally. Hopefully that will be a good thing. It's been a long time coming.

My room is such a damn mess. The whole apartment is such a damn mess. It's driving me fucking crazy. I'm never home though. That's driving me crazy too. And yet I agreed to go to my mom's tomorrow for yoga.

But I like yoga, and it's expensive, and I'll get dinner, and we can chat, and I'll borrow the Artist's Way book (which I keep seeing recommended) so it'll be a good thing. That seems selfish. But I'm trying to be selfish.

I like yoga.

I thought I'd emphasize that.

I'm nervous about seeing my mom, though.

From the last conversation we had it seems like she didn't really think I was "ready" for finding myself or something bull crappy like that. Usually she's the one trying to get me to stop being so afraid of taking risks.

Becuase I am.

I'm fucking terrified.

And now I'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me into being more cautious, when that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid doing!

I want to be rebellious!

I want to take risks!

I want to be spontaneous!

Now let me put all that in my todo list, lol.

Cause that's just the way I roll, mofos.


Oh, and I think I need to make it a goal to write every day. I'm not sure for how long. Maybe for now just to write, period.

I think that would be a good thing.

And I only watched one TV show tonight and I don't even feel that bad about not accomplishing much around the apartment, because you know what, I need to do this shit so screw you!